Mortdecai was a very uncomfortable movie to watch, although if I think about it, it probably would have been MORE uncomfortable to watch with other people in a theater.  Because then the silences between the jokes would have been even more pronounced.  This was a long, tough slog, and … well, let me tell you how bad it was.  I’m not going to make my boyfriend or my friends watch it, because I never EVER need to see it again.  I’m actually surprised that this wasn’t a “worst picture of the year” nominee, because I thought it was a lot worse than Pixels, for example.  That being said, Johnny Depp and Gwyneth Paltrow were nominated for worst actor / worst actress Razzies and yes, I can see why.

Mortdecai poster

Okay, so, you see how in the poster it appears that the mustache is a major plot point?  Well, it is.  And you see how the mustache isn’t funny on the poster?  Well, if you decide to take the plunge and watch the movie (and honestly, I would not recommend it) … well, you’d see a lot more of the mustache not being funny.  The level of humor does not improve over time.  Overall, the jokes in this movie are like … okay, imagine that someone left a pillow on top of your face while you were lying down on your back.  No one is actively trying to smother you with it, exactly.  It’s just applying this weird pressure to your head and it’s making you feel kind of tired and sluggish.

Okay, so, the plot of this movie is … I can’t believe I’m going to waste any brain cells trying to describe the plot of this movie.

All right, forget that idea.  Because trying to recount the plot isn’t going to help you OR me, Dear Readers.  Let me tell you what I remember about this movie instead.  I’m just going to use the actors’ names instead of the characters’ names because SCREW YOU, MOVIE.  Also, I don’t have the time or the patience to look them up.

Johnny Depp has a new mustache, which he likes very much.  His wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, hates the mustache and quite possibly also hates him (I sat through this entire movie and I couldn’t wrap my head around it).  Ewan McGregor works with Johnny Depp and is not-so-secretly in love with Gwyneth Paltrow.  Johnny Depp goes off and does … things?  Security things?  Secret agent things?  And he talks in this weird voice that isn’t funny, and he has this weird mustache that isn’t funny, and OH MY GOD, JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!

Johhny Depp Mortdecai

Okay, that’s it.  I’m done.  I refuse to even think about this movie anymore.

Just skip this one, Dear Readers.  Seriously.  Skip it.