The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been around for decades, in many different incarnations — TV shows, movies, video games, toys, and comic books.  So this leads us to the question of why someone thought it would be a good idea to remake Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles AGAIN in 2014.

TMNT posterWhy indeed?

The latest film version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is ridiculous and unnecessary, but so are lots of remakes.  What brings this movie to a new level of badness is the creepy factor.  MAN, is this film creepy!

First, there’s the look of the turtles themselves.  Gone are the cute cartoon turtles …

TMNT cartoon

or even the funny live-action turtles …

TMNT Live ActionInstead we now have “new and improved” live-action turtles that look … can I say “more mutated than usual”?

TMNT TodayI’m not kidding.  They look positively alarming.  And in case you were wondering if they looked better with their masks off …


Um … what was I saying?  Oh, right.  So their appearance is the FIRST thing that’s creepy.  The SECOND thing that’s creepy is that one of them keeps hitting on the lovely female lead April O’Neill, as played by the lovely Megan Fox.

Fox With TurtlesThere are quite a few lines devoted to this interspecies attraction, with “Oh, she’s hot, I can feel my shell tightening” being especially memorable.

Ugh.  Not since Howard the Duck hit on Lea Thompson have I so wanted to throw up.

Anyway, other than those shudder-inducing aspects of this film, the rest of it is … okay, I guess?  I mean, you basically know what’s going to happen because you’ve heard this story umpteen times before, and because the good guys and bad guys might as well be wearing “I’m a good guy” and “I’m a bad guy” signs around their necks.  Battles will be lost and won.  The turtles will act like stoners, fight like ninjas, and say things like “Cowabunga.”  But you probably expected that.