We’re getting ready to go to my boyfriend’s parents’ house for Easter dinner this afternoon, which means that we made sure we had a big breakfast this morning so that we’d be able to last through the inevitable delays without our stomachs growling.  Eating a big breakfast before going out to eat is the exact opposite of my mother’s training, which was always to starve us before we went out to eat anywhere to make sure that we would eat unfamiliar food (and presumably not embarass her).

And so it begins.  Or, I should say, so it continues.

It’s hard to get my mother out of my head.  It’s hard to switch from present tense to past tense.  It’s hard not to go out to buy hot cross buns for her (they were one of her favorite foods), because I have to remind myself that she’s not around to enjoy them anymore.  And one of the reasons I was sad when I was cleaning out her fridge the other day was because I found one of the hot cross buns I’d recently bought her, still unopened.

This is a day for feeling nostalgic for different reasons.  I’m going to be seeing my boyfriend’s family today for the first time since my mother died, and since he’s already been warning me about how emotionally his mother reacted to the news I know this is going to be a very hard conversation.  I’m usually able to hold it together unless I’m in the privacy of my own home, but if she starts crying that’s going to set me off.

So I’ve been spending the last day trying to occupy my brain in different ways.  I took more pictures when we cleaned out some more closets yesterday, and OMG I found some more awesome stuff (stay tuned for another photo post soon).

We’re planning to make a trip to Flushing Meadows next week to revisit the World’s Fair site — I’ve been there before to examine the bits and pieces of what’s left behind, but they’re going to have more stuff going on (and more stuff open) because it’s the 50th anniversary of the fair.  There are some really cool articles about the fair out now, including this one from the NYT that I found especially inspiring (ETA: this article is very cool, too!)  My boyfriend, who visited the fair multiple times as a kid, has been sharing some of his memories with me, too.

And I’m also planning a shopping trip to Coldwater Creek soon, because the company going out of business (*sob*) and me losing a bunch of weight mean that I’m going to need to get some new clothes very soon.

Overall, I’m trying to balance out the legal/financial/emotional issues that are all entangled with my mom’s life and death with the day-to-day stuff I need to do, like write book reviews and go back to my regular work schedule.  But for today, I’m going to deal with Easter and all that it entails.

ETA: Actually, it worked out well today.  There was no crying involved, and my boyfriend’s mother got out a box of family photos that I’d never seen before for us to share.  So it turned out to be both a comforting and productive visit.