So I had this crazy idea.  After the latest nominations for the Razzie Awards were announced, I decided to undertake a masochistic project of trying to watch as many of the nominated films as possible.  I mean, yes, I am a self-professed lover of bad movies, but would I be able to survive movies that cross the line from “bad” to “absolutely awful”?

Well, I’ve just seen Movie 43, and on the positive side I can’t imagine that I’ll have to sit through a worse film this year.

Movie 43 poster

To give you a sense of perspective, I will say that this is one of the three worst movies I’ve ever seen.  Yes, Dear Readers, that means that it’s worse than Skidoo … and worse than Lost Horizon … and worse than Sharknado … and even worse than White Chicks.  It’s about on par with Bucky Larson, Born to Be a Star, which is the last movie that pained and offended me quite this badly. 

It is a movie that begs two separate but equally important questions: “Why was this movie even made?” and “How the hell did they get all of these stars to appear in this abomination?”

Movie 43

Okay, so the jist of Movie 43 is this: an eccentric and unstable film-maker (played by Dennis Quaid) (who should have known better) comes to an executive’s office to pitch a film as a series of disconnected scenes.  The film cuts back and forth from Dennis Quaid talking to Greg Kinnear, to actors portraying the scene he’s describing, back to Quaid and Kinnear, then to the next scene, back and forth and back and forth until you’ve lost 94 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back.  Because Dennis Quaid’s character is nuttier than a fruitcake, all of the scenarios he describes are strange, or violent, or offensive, or gruesomely sexual, or just plain stupid.  Herein lies the “comedy.”

Movie 43

I’m going to take a moment to talk about some of the stars and the strange / violent / offensive / etc. characters that they play in this film.  Feel free to mentally insert the phrase “who should have known better” after each of their names.

Hugh Jackman plays a man on a blind date with Kate Winslet.  Jackman’s character has a set of testicles hanging down from his neck because, I don’t know … it’s HILARIOUS?  Oh, and Winslet’s character is the only one who sees anything unusual about this.  Much physical comedy ensues. 

Movie 43

Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts play parents who are homeschooling their child.  In the interest of creating an “authentic” school experience, they bully, intimidate, and sexually proposition their own kid.

Movie 43 parenting

Richard Gere plays the boss of a company dealing with the consequences of creating the “iBabe,” an mp3 player in the shape of a life-size naked woman.  I absolutely positively refuse to tell you where the designers chose to install the exhaust fan, and the gruesome mutilations that result after teenage boys try to use this product in unusual ways.

Movie 43 Richard Gere

Chloe Grace Moretz plays a seventh-grade girl who gets her first period while on a casual date with a boy.  She bleeds.  A lot.  And all of the boys and men around her react with escalating levels of hysteria.

Movie 43 CGM

Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant play a couple on a first date who start playing a game of Truth or Dare, which turns into a series of increasingly dangerous and offensive dares.

Movie 43 Halle Berry

I am honestly at a loss as to why all of these famous actors and many more agreed to be in this film.  I mean, even if you didn’t read the entire script and only read your segment, wouldn’t you still notice that it was stupid and offensive?  Most importantly, wouldn’t you notice that this “comedy” film was NOT FUNNY AT ALL?  I mean, I saw this film on Netflix while sitting alone on my couch, and after each joke that crashed and burned I just had to contend with the sound of my own silence.  I couldn’t imagine seeing this film with an audience, and just being surrounded by the sound of crickets instead of laughter or applause.

My only theory is that one or more of these stars had an achilles heel that served as blackmail leverage.  And then after those stars were strongarmed into participating, their fame was used to encourage other stars to sign on.  I really can’t think of any other explanation that makes a lick of sense.

Check back for more Razzie Project posts over the next month.  I’ll be looking through all of the categories (not just worst picture) and picking out a variety of films to challenge my love of bad movies.  Stay tuned!!!