I had my first trip to the chiropractor today.  Here are some of the highlights of the conversation (and by “conversation,” I mean “things she said to me while I picked my jaw up off the floor”):

You might have a mild form of scoliosis.

One of your hips is higher than the other, but your legs are the same length.  It’s because your spine is out of alignment.

Oh my God!  No WONDER you get headaches!

So … yeah.  Apparently I’m a mutant.  These are some strange revelations, especially since I’m just getting them NOW.  I can’t express how weird it is to be in my 40’s and find out about how my spine might have been out of alignment since childhood or even since birth.

It does explain a lot, though.  Why I’ve been getting migraine headaches since I was a child.  Why people have been making fun of the way I walk since I was in grammar school.  Why I’ve always had crappy posture.  Why I’ve had bouts of lower back pain for years.  Why I’ve been having vertigo spells.  Why I had so much trouble swimming the breast stroke when I was a kid, and one of my swimming teachers had a theory and took some measurements … and said that my body was uneven and that one of my hips was higher than the other one …

Hang on.  BOTH of my parents went to chiropractors for years.  Why the hell did they never take ME to one???

Because, you know, I think it would have been easier to wrestle my spine back into place when I was a child rather than when I was middle-aged and my spine had spent DECADES growing the wrong way.

Well, whatever.  What’s done is done.  As of this moment, I’m one chiropractor’s appointment down, several more to go.  In fact, she wants to see me three times a week for the next two weeks in order to teach my back to get used to the realignment procedure.  On the one hand, that’s going to screw with the work schedule, but on the other hand at least I’ll get better sooner.

Oh, and one more unusual thing.  I’ll be bringing two doctor’s notes with me when I go back to work tomorrow.  The first one is a Disability Certificate from my primary care physician, saying that I was “totally/partially incapacitated” from April 9th to the 11th, after which I will be sufficiently recovered to resume a normal workload.  The second note is from my chiropractor, saying that “due to the ongoing issues with my back,” I should be wearing sneakers at all times.

So, you know what that means, right?  That’s correct — we just had to make an emergency run to DSW to get some new sneakers, since I only owned one pair!  So no more flats or high-heeled shoes for a while.  Just lots of cushioning and arch support in order to achieve the greater good.

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